Of putrefactive brainfarts and fanciful testicles

My recent ambles through the ones and zeroes have thrown up two nicely judged slabs of wording, separated by 400 years or so. First, Grace Dent, in The Independent, characterises the qualities required to be nominated for a Turner Prize as a “dogged determination to grab fanciful brainfarts and build them.” Which is, if you think about it, the same tenacity required to do anything that isn’t tedious and banal. We then turn to the anonymous surgeon who carved up the corpse of the monstrously inbred King Charles II of Spain, whose unhappy life ended in 1700. The autopsy revealed “a very small heart the size of a grain of pepper, the lungs corroded, the intestines putrefactive and gangrenous, in the kidney three large stones, a single testicle as black as coal and his head full of water.” Had chronology been more accommodating, perhaps the operation might have been recorded and entered for the Turner.

Duran Duran and the Olympic gig: white boys always shine

I’ve never been a big fan of positive discrimination, mainly because it doesn’t work; inevitably it’s easier to base quotas on empirical criteria such as race or gender or disability, rather than things that are harder to quantify but no less real, such as socio-economic status class, there, I said it. But I couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow at the choice of acts for the gig marking the beginning of the Olympics. Leave aside for the moment the galumphing tedium of all the performers on the bill; Duran Duran were moderately amusing for a couple of albums in the early 80s, while the others (Paolo Nutini, the Stereophonics, Snow Patrol) have never even aspired to such lofty standards. That said, do we really think that London in 2012 is best represented by a dozen or so white men in their 30s, 40s and 50s, many of them playing guitars?

Obviously nobody wants blatant tokenism: I’m old enough to remember the line-up for the Band Aid single, with a few members of Shalamar and Kool & the Gang hovering around the edges. But for an event that aims to show off 21st-century Britain to the world, this is a bit embarrassing.

PS: In the Telegraph, Lucy Jones fumes.

Unborn chicken voices

To mark (roughly) the fifth anniversary of my book about OK Computer, here are some small children talking about one of the songs on the album. The funny thing is, I bet the various members of Radiohead were just like these middle-class wannabe rock hacks when they were smaller. Not such good dancers, though, obviously.

NYT: A New Day (Spa) in Burma

New York Times: Vain Glorious
A New Day (Spa) in Burma

By Julie Earle-Levine

Who: Inya Day Spa, Yangon (Rangoon), Myanmar.
What: Thai massage, reflexology, body scrubs, facials, manicures and pedicures.
Where: 16/2 Inya Road, Kamayut Township; (95-1) 537-907; inyaspa.com.
Why Bother: In Myanmar, where tourists are just starting to venture as the country moves toward democracy after decades of military rule, Western hotel chains are scarce and spas really don’t exist — until now, that is. Yangon’s first day spa is attracting Burmese women (and even some men) as well as expats and tourists.
Let’s face it, in a country where women still wear thanaka (a white paste on their faces made from ground bark, to protect and condition their skin from the sun), it’s difficult to get Western products. That doesn’t mean people don’t want them: a used (that’s right — someone else’s!) Chanel lipstick is a precious find.
At Inya Day Spa, the facialists use French products (Thalgo), and the treatments are Thai influenced. Damian Lau, who is from Seattle, and his Burmese wife, Michelle, saw a need for a “nicer,” more Western-style spa. Inya is named after the bustling road where it is located and has simple décor with four private rooms, Thai massage beds and a nail salon. (The spa just started doing gel nails and uses OPI American polishes.) Inya’s signature spa product is a natural body scrub, in green tea, jasmine rice, papaya or tamarind. The papaya smells heavenly.
Inya is not luxe, but it is a sanctuary amid the streaming traffic — and a temperamental taxi with no air-conditioning and a flat tire! I arrived drenched in sweat to a cool, welcome retreat. You enter reception, then walk across a pond filled with hundreds of koi and surrounded by lush green palms. First stop is the new Boost Bar for fresh smoothies and juices. Try the Boba Berry, a thick smoothie made from blueberry, apple and banana. Guests change into plum-colored knee-length Thai sador pants, tied high above the waist. (You keep on your own shirt.)
I went twice: once for massage, once for reflexology. The basic massage was deep, hitting all my acupressure points, and I dozed off, my calves (made weary from temple-step climbing) melting into a relaxed state. The staff is Burmese, but Thailand-trained, since getting visas for Burmese to leave the country is still tough. The election Sunday of the longtime pro-democracy dissident Aung San Suu Kyi may change things, of course.
In the nail salon, Japanese men were sighing as their calves were pummeled. A British banker was tip-tapping away on his laptop. The spa has free Wi-Fi, which is a big plus since Internet service in Myanmar is sketchy at best.
Bookings can be hard to snag on the day. Lau plans to open a second location on the fourth floor of the Junction Square Shopping Mall, about a 10-minute drive from the current location.

How Much: Thai massage, about $20 for 90 minutes;Thai foot massage, about $10 for 75 minutes.

New York Times Styles - Women's Fashion

Vain Glorious|

By Julie Earle-Levine
March 21, 2012

The Hammam bath at Glenmere Mansion.

Where: The Spa at Glenmere Mansion

What: Hammam Bathing Ritual

Why Bother: Glenmere Mansion, a hilltop Italianate estate set on 150 acres in the Hudson Valley (one-and-a-half hours’ drive from New York City), delivers an upper-crusty, “Downton Abbey”-like fix. There’s plenty to do — you can stroll the gardens designed by Edith Wharton’s niece, admire the original frescoes or read in the beautiful library, with its modern art collection.

Now there’s yet another reason to visit: a gorgeous, newly opened 8,000-square-foot spa with a hammam, bathhouse and five treatment suites decorated with jewel-toned tiles.

Mindy Terry, a partner in Creative Spa Concepts who currently lives in Thailand, developed an extensive spa menu for Glenmere that offers traditional Turkish treatments and bespoke beauty, including a Mediterranean salt wrap and couture facials. Guests can choose their own product blends, with scents like Italian orange, wild Indonesian ginger and French lavender.

The spa is one of the most sybaritic I’ve seen outside of Manhattan, more Mayflower Inn than Canyon Ranch’s health and wellness focus.

For couples, there’s the Hammam Bathing Ritual, in which you lie side by side in the marble bathhouse and hammam. The treatment is heavenly, and echoes the traditional Turkish ritual. The jazz, perhaps, needs to be switched out for something more hammam-appropriate — or better still, there shouldn’t be any music, so the only sounds are scrubbing and sloshing water.

While you lie on a heated marble “belly stone,” therapists use traditional mitts (kese) and castile soap to scrub away winter skin. Foamy, silky bubbles are applied and warm water repeatedly poured on the body. The effect is a floaty, dreamlike state and, surprisingly, not one of being waterlogged. It may be the gentle pouring of the water, unlike in Istanbul where it can feel like a torrent.

The suites, including a couple’s suite with fireplace and side-by-side soaking tubs and tables are fully self-contained. The hammam, a vitality pool with a waterfall, and steam and sauna are in the same spacious bathhouse, making it easy to go from one to the next and maintain a relaxed state.

Guests can float up to their rooms post-treatment, or to the relaxation library, a soothing space with plenty of comfy chairs and private areas to recline. It’s more of a library feel than meditation lounge, where you can read, play games or rest by the fireplace. The pearl jasmine tea is the perfect post-spa refreshment.

How Much: Hammam Bathing Ritual, $195 for 60 minutes.

Go to glenmeremansion.com or call (845) 469-1939.

Curious what Dzul Ink's all about? Here's the scoop!

Curious what Dzul Ink's all about? Here's the scoop!